Opinions

Take a Minute to Laugh at these Riot Cops on Bicycles

Look at these goofy dorks

Police departments across the United States are finally feeling the repercussions of decades of systemic racism. After countless examples of black people getting severely beaten and murdered for no reason, most of America has finally had enough.

But I’m not here to focus solely on the negativity. I want to point out a tiny piece of comedy amidst all of this unrelenting anger. I’m referring to a special squad of police officers so well-trained, so efficient, so brutal that protesters flee at the mere mention of their name. A unit that has struck fear in the heart of dissenters across America. I’m talking of course, about the “Elite of the Elite” Bike Response Team.

These goofy, clumsy idiots are so bad at their jobs that they aren’t allowed to drive patrol cars. It seems as if their sole purpose in life is to take all of their shortcomings out on anybody with a BLM sign.

If I was demoted to the “Bicycle Gang” and mocked on a daily basis by all of the other police officers, I’d be pretty upset too. Combine that with a massive crowd that’s relentlessly mocking them and it’s clear why they have all this misplaced anger. They were already out of options when they became police officers and now they suck at that too? When you’ve been bullied your entire life and can’t even get a modicum of respect by carrying around a gun, that’s gotta hurt.

Their constant fuck ups on social media have been the lone source of comedy for me amidst the protests for the past 2 weeks. The only piece of content that doesn’t make me physically angry. The best comedy makes light of things that usually make us angry or sad. This elite bike squad has brought a brief moment of joy into our lives simply because they are so terrible at their jobs

The “Elite of the Elite”

This…training video? Promotional video? I’m not exactly sure what to call it, but whatever it is deserves to win the Oscar for “Best Comedy”.

It’s hard to pinpoint my favorite part of this clip. The lead guy struggling to get his foot over his bike, the “move back” chanting, the attempt at military-style organization that falls apart the second they stop. It’s all so beautiful.

Or maybe it’s the fact that they called the news to come down and film this in order to “intimidate” potential protesters. THIS was their warning to the people, don’t organize or else these dorks will awkwardly try to grab you as they trip over their Treks.

The news team deserves an Emmy for using this cut and not doing another take. I’ve never been less scared of a group of people. The cops of Reno 911 were more intimidating. They’re less threatening than those morbidly obese teenagers obsessed with Call of Duty who wear tactical gear to school and frequent the local airsoft range.

Maybe I underestimated them. Let’s see them in action.

The important thing is…they tried. Their entire unit attempted to arrest 2 people and they hit 50% of their goal and only lost 1 man in the process. The protester they did catch made no attempt to escape but that’s beside the point. Mission accomplished.

Taking Out Their Failures on Others

Unfortunately, I can’t tell only half of the story. And like all news stories involving cops these days, there’s a horrific element to it.

These bicycle dorks hate themselves so much that they’ve resorted to beating peaceful protesters. Luckily, we all have HD cameras in our pockets these days so these cops are mostly being held accountable for their actions.

This violent bag of shit has the misfortune of being a bicycle cop AND being named Joe Bologna. He’s an awful human being so let’s shine a light on that.

The Bike patrol in Orlando did something similar. The bike unit’s strategy seems to be “everybody pick one protester and pile on top of him” and also “Start violence for fun”.

This one is the most troubling. The cop asks to get through, the guy lets him through, and then he starts choking him unprovoked. He must have felt the lack of respect in the air.

It’s as if the police hired the security guards from every local mall, gave them bikes, weapons and no training, then let them run wild on protesters. They are completely inept and oblivious to the current environment we’re in. They are what happens when every officer is Rod Farva from Super Troopers.

These guys are the opposite of the “elite of the elite”. The “worst of the worst” would be more accurate. It’s infuriating watching them inflict all this violence but the silver lining is this: all we need to do to embarrass them is to let them do their jobs.

More Things to Read (If You’re Into That)

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