Why I Hate the Olympics (and you should too)

Watching sports we don't like with athletes we don’t know from countries we don’t care about.

I don’t just hate the Olympics, I loathe the Olympics.  Every 4 years I’m subject to the same inane conversations about this snoozefest. Everybody claims they “love the olympics” until you ask them why and they can’t name a single thing they like about it.

I’m sure deep down we all want to love the Olympics. The purest form of competition from amateur athletes around the world where we can come together as a nation and root for our people. But there’s a reason people can’t explain why they like the Olympics: they are terrible.

So when you say “I love the Olympics” what you’re really saying is “I judge things based on popularity and don’t form my own opinions.”  As we head to Tokyo 2021, I need to remind everybody who “loves the Olympics” that you are uninteresting liars and frauds.

The Events are Unwatchable

Let me ask you a question.  When’s the last time you watched ANY Olympic sports outside of the Olympic games (excluding basketball)?  Exactly. Sports are supposed to be entertainment.  They have stakes, there are narratives, we can feel the tension in the air.  When you remove the entertainment aspect, you’re left with the WNBA.

Men’s football, Basketball, Hockey, Baseball (to a lesser degree) have profitable, professional leagues because they’re exciting to watch.  The reason swimming, track, decathlons, canoe yoga, that weird speed walking event where that guy shit himself, underwater hurdles, and the other 99% of the events aren’t on TV is because nobody cares.

At least this made the event worth watching

But because of the “Tradition” that started with a bunch of naked Greek dudes wrestling to pass the time, we’re forced to have prime time TV taken over every 4 years by sports we don’t like with athletes we don’t know from countries we don’t care about.

Everybody Cheats

If you haven’t seen the recent documentary Icarus yet, give it a watch.

It’s a compelling, extremely well-made documentary that details how Russia had a state-sponsored doping program that goes back decades. They’ve cheated at every Olympics since steroids existed. As Russian “Steroid Czar” Grigory Rodchenkov explains in the movie, they easily figured out ways to sidestep all of the piss tests and laughed in the face of all the safemeasures the IOC put into place.

Director Bryan Fogel’s documentary was supposed to show the effect steroids had on him as a semi-pro cyclist. He ended up stumbling into Russia’s doping program because he found the right guy and asked a few questions. He’s not a tenacious investigative journalist, this was right in front of our faces this entire time and nobody cared enough about the Olympics to ask or look.

Which begs the question, who didn’t get caught?  It’s easy to demonize the Russians because of movies like Rocky 4 or Rambo 2 or Goldeneye or Air Force One but China, the U.S., England, any country that has a seat at the global superpower table have been doing the exact same thing. Rodchenkov says this is absolutely happening and you have to be a special kind of gullible to think it’s not.

As Fogel explained on the Joe Rogan Experience, every country that’s hosted an Olympic games gets to provide the drug testing personnel for those games.  You’re basically trusting global superpowers to police themselves instead of having a competitive advantage which is like trusting a heroin junkie to house sit for you.

The big climax of Icarus has Fogel and his crew meeting with the IOC to show them the library of evidence they have against Russia. The IOC staff looks shocked and horrified and confused, which proves they’re either great actors or really stupid people, as they vow to do something drastic about it.

How did they punish Russia for their decades-long cheating scandal?  They weren’t represented at the 2018 Winter Games. They still competed, but Russia as a country wasn’t recognized.  That’s it. They had to wear black shirts and couldn’t fly their flag. For one WINTER Olympic games.

No long term ramifications, no bans, barely a slap on the wrist. I’m sure Russia learned their lesson. Their government is made up of reasonable people who definitely don’t exploit any sign of weakness.

Still don’t hate the Olympics? There’s so much more!

The IOC is the Worst Organization on the Planet

The IOC’s mission statement should be “Supporting the Advancement of Corruption, Greed, and Human Rights Violations”.  Their track record over the past 25 years is abysmal.  

They sell hosting countries on the economic and social benefits they will receive from being the focal point of the Olympic games, that it will leave a “lasting legacy” for future generations.  That last part is true, but the legacy it leaves isn’t a positive one.  Let’s take the most recent games in Rio De Janeiro.  It cost Brazil $15 BILLION DOLLARS to build the infrastructure, including the outlandish stadiums, facilities, and other amenities that the IOC demands.  Oh, and the IOC makes incredibly outrageous, non-negotiable demands.

Not only that, but Brazil had to demolish the homes of tens of thousands of it’s citizens to make room for the venues.  Not to mention the tax burden Brazilians will endure to pay for all of this now worthless stuff. After all of that, the Rio games were still marred with controversy because their country was too corrupt and in disarray at the time to take on such an event. Remember the horrendous athlete accommodations, how they forced athletes to swim in giant toilet bowls filled with poop, or the uncontrolled zika virus outbreak?

Not to mention the non-stop Bribery, Slavery, and Corruption scandals the IOC engages in at every Olympic games.  I hesitate to even call them scandals because that would imply there were consequences.  There were not.

It’s Nothing but a Global Dick Measuring Contest

The Olympics are an easy way for world leaders to stir up some low-cost nationalism.  What self-respecting world leader can say no to that?

It’s a win-win for powerful nations (as long as you don’t host it).  It unites the people and distracts them from whatever shady shit the people in government are trying to cover up.  It’s like a big ‘reset’ button on the news cycle for 2 boring ass weeks. A war without casualties.

It also explains why everybody is cheating.  The Olympics is a reflection of your country’s power, the strength of your citizens, the size and might of your athletes.  It’s why Hitler was so pissed when Jessie Owens ran circles around his Aryan supermen.  Or why Russian judges game the system even though all of their athletes are already roided up monsters.

It’s one of the few events the whole world is (forced to be) watching, so convincing your citizens  how awesome your country is, and how much better it is than other countries, is the main objective.  Well at least the athletes get paid well for their contributions to boosting nationalism.  Oh, wait, no they don’t.

Let’s All Hate the Olympics Together

“These games aren’t entertaining” should be enough for people to not watch these games. A 20-hour marathon of Pawn Stars carries infinitely more entertainment value than the Olympics. Even if you don’t believe anything about the corruption or the IOC, these games fail on the most basic-level, they’re really fucking boring.

Stop lying to yourselves and claiming you like it. There are easier ways to make friends. It’s a worthless event and anybody that spent their lives training for it has wasted their time.

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  1. You should just hate every country and the human race. I am not hating anything just because you wish me to. Fair means something different to everyone on the planet. We know the IOC is crooked. We know each country has their own agendas. We also know you are totally biased. Some wish to go the games for the love of sport and some love to watch. Also those who wish only to go to protest their own agendas. Thanks but I’ll not hate because you wish me to.

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