You wake up April 16th in a cold sweat. Oh my God, you missed the April 15th tax deadline. It’s not the end of the world! Here is what happens and what you should do now.
If you’re due a refund, there are literally no consequences
You read that right. According to HR Block, If you’re getting a refund this year, the government will just hold onto your money for you, interest-free. Your laziness and lack of awareness will go unpunished. File your taxes at any time, but you should do it fast because you could miss out on your premium tax credit Other than that, you have up to 3 years to file for your refund. The IRS won’t tell you this because you’re basically giving them free money. Just get your shit together and get your refund money, imagine all of the useless things you can buy with it.
If you owe taxes, you just made a huge mistake
This is where the IRS turns into the seedy bookie that will break your kneecaps, financially speaking. Unless you’ve filed an extension, you’re going to pay failure-to-file penalties and failure-to-pay penalties. This is the IRS’ not-so-subtle way of calling you a failure and charging you a combined “penalty rate of 5% per month, up to a maximum of 47.5% of the tax you owe.” That’s a lot of money you probably don’t have because missing the tax deadline isn’t a habit most fiscally responsible people have. Uh-oh, what happens now?
Your car will probably be repossessed
Whoopsie! Looks like after paying all of those tax penalties you missed a few car payments and the repo man took your ride back while you were sleeping. That’s a shame because you work over an hour from your house and there’s no bus route near you. Hopefully, you have a co-worker kind enough to give you a ride.
You’ll lose your job
It turns out not having much money means you don’t have many friends. You’ll be unable to get a ride to work, you’ll get fired, and then be stuck on the couch, complaining about the “God damn government thieves” and how they “just waste the tax money anyway”. You will buy a MAGA hat and spend your unemployed hours yelling at strangers in the comments section on Facebook and YouTube posts rather than searching for a job.
Your life will spiral out of control
Jobless, broke, and nearly homeless, you will lose control of all rational thoughts. Consumed by your anger for those who have wronged you, you will spend most of your days on the dark corners of the internet, interacting only through message boards with like-minded people that share your disgust and hatred for the world. Your toxic viewpoints will calcify on your brain until you become a shell of your former self.
The darkness will take hold
As the bills pile up and you start to see “Final Notice” on all of your envelopes, you’ll feel cornered. You used to be a productive member of society, a society that now shuns you at every turn. Disenfranchised and disillusioned, you turn to a life of crime to pay your bills.
Your moral compass will cease to exist
Now free from the rules of society, you act on your worst impulses. Instead of looking for jobs, you start stealing. Only a little bit at first, armed robberies here and there, but then you graduate to bank heists. You recruit a crew of professionals to help your cause and split the profits. If the Federal government is going to rob you, you’re going to rob them right back. You amass a small fortune in unmarked bills and valuables, you’re able to pay your mortgage and get your car back. Life seems to be back on track (except for the whole crime thing). But it’s not enough, those government pencil pushers need to pay for what they’ve done.
You’ll plan a revenge scheme
Using your newfound wealth, you start to network with black market arms dealers. You don’t want to hurt anybody, at least not directly, so you plan to kneecap the government just as they have done to you. You purchase an EMP off the black market with enough power to fry every electronic device on the East Coast, bringing society back to the stone age. You will be consumed with revenge, it is the only driving force in your life. You watch Fight Club 200 times to get inspired.
You are now a Supervillain
They all laughed at you, mocked you, stole your hard-earned money, this is ultimately their doing. You’re now a full-blown domestic terrorist, hell-bent on destroying your perceived enemies. All you did was miss one deadline, and look at what they’ve done to you. None of that matters now since rationality and reality went out the window long ago. You’ve set up your device in the subway tunnels in New York City. Ready to bring the nation to its knees. You cackle menacingly as you set up the device. You haven’t showered in months so you blended in seamlessly with the surrounding homeless population. You’re 500 pages deep into your manifesto, it’s “go time”.
In the darkness, you recite a villainous monologue to nobody in particular, attempting to rationalize what you’re about to do. Then, right as you go to activate the device, you hear “not so fast, my friend!” from the darkness. It’s Lee Corso. He’s wearing the Florida Gators’ mascot head. Before you can react he blows your right arm off with a shotgun.
Your ears are ringing with tinnitus and you’re losing consciousness quickly. Why is Lee Corso here? How did the most annoying announcer in college football discover your plot? As your arm gushes blood, you claw for the remote to activate the device. Your left arm trembles and your fingers barely muster up enough strength to press it, Lee Corso steps on your wrist, breaking it. You barely let out a scream as blood fills your mouth. You look up, death closing in, Lee removes the mascot head and smiles widely, “Nice try, sweetheart!” are the last words you hear before a bright flash ends your suffering.
File on time!
Whether you owe the IRS money or not, file on time to be on the safe side. Good luck filing in 2019!