Are you a fat bag of shit due to COVID? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This guide will show you how to lose the quarantine 15 fast (as long as you don’t value your long-term health).
There’s an entire industry being built to take advantage of us all turning into unhealthy failures. “Quarantine 15” is going to become a really annoying, ubiquitous phase in the coming months.
But these companies are all selling you shit you don’t need. Losing the weight is much easier than it seems, and you can do it while looking stylish AF. Follow these tips and you’ll be back to your 2019 self in no time. Unless your 2019 self was fat, in which case you’ll look like a skinnier version of that.
Healthy Diet and Regular Exercise
No.
Let COVID Depression and Anxiety Shed Those Pounds Off
Mental breakdown? More like Mental SHED POUNDS! Stop fighting the inevitable and embrace the darkness (and your new figure!)
We all have that voice in the back of our heads saying, “you’ll never make it” or “you’re a complete failure” or “remember when you shit your pants in class in 3rd grade.” And we all have our ways silence it (booze, work, exercise, loud music, being constantly distracted). But what if you just listened to it?
Those 15 lbs. would melt off over the next few months as you fixate on the negative emotions and become so self-absorbed and sad that it’s impossible to take care of yourself. Sure, you’ll be whiter than Marilyn Manson if/when you emerge from your apartment but nothing a quick spray tan can’t fix. Plus those abs will be on point. I’m talking ripped, Jesus on the Cross-style abs.
Most of us are already struggling with mental health so why fight it? Let it take over and watch the quarantine 15 disappear in no time as your confidence and self worth plummets.
Cocaine
You know what’s really cool? Cocaine. At least that’s what pop culture told me when I was growing up. It looks cool, it makes you feel like God, and it gives you the unearned confidence of a trust fund kid in their 20s. It’s really expensive for a reason.
Like any diet, there are some side effects including addiction, not sleeping for days, grinding your teeth into dust, and horrific levels of anxiety. BUT you’ll most likely pick up a smoking habit which will further suppress that appetite and prevent you from being a fat slob.
You can combine cocaine highs with depression and anxiety lows to really speed up your results and go from chunky to funky in record time. You may be thinking that this will ruin your life both mentally and financially but the goal is weight loss not stability. Keep your eye on the prize.
Crash Diets from Social Media
There are all sorts of “get fit quick” schemes on Instagram, I blindly recommend every single one of them. Try them all and see what works, what’s the worst that can happen? Diarrhea? That’s toxins leaving your body.
There are plenty of ways to give yourself severe dysentery like you’re on the Oregon Trail. Including:
- Fit Teas like Tummy Tea which is essentially Drano that (almost) won’t kill you. It’s stuffed with Senna leafs which are infamous for making you poop a lot. But the manufacturers really kick violent shitting into overdrive by including some guarana and caffeine for good measure. You don’t just get rid of your toxins, you get rid of everything in your body. And it’s known to cause nervousness, restlessness, stomach irritation, nausea, vomiting, headaches, anxiety, agitation, ringing in the ears, and rapid heart and breathing rates. Give it a try!
- If you’re a woman try one of those “Waist Trainers” AKA corsets from Victorian-era England. If you ladies can’t lose the weight you might as well move it into your titties and butts so it’s better to look at. You’ll have a freakish hourglass frame that social media convinced you you should strive for.
- Juice Cleanses – Instead of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” it’s “Diarrhea for your Hole”. I’ve done one of these and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemies. But again, our goal is to lose weight regardless of the cost to our body and mental health. Drink juice for a week and firehose your toilet. Your new figure will be worth it.
There’s are 10-15 new diet scams since I started writing this. Just pick one. They are all irresponsible, short-sighted, and somewhat dangerous. Who cares what some nerdy Doctor or the FDA says? You know what’s best for you.
Lose the Quarantine 15 at All Costs
The more reckless you are, the better your results will be. Don’t think about your future, think about this summer. We’re here for a good time not a long time amiright? Get your beach bod back regardless of the consequences.