Track Review: Lil’ Dicky’s “Earth” is astonishingly bad

Lil Dicky, or as Anthony Fantano accurately calls him “Rap game Seth Rogen” has just released his latest song/video/multimedia experience “Earth” which is….I’m not really sure how to describe it. Dicky is usually known for his humor with cuts like “Lemme Freak“, “Ex Boyfriend“, and “Save Dat Money“. “Earth” lacks any of the charm or likability or cleverness or…basic effort of his previous songs. This is disastrously bad, unforgivably bad. It’s a nightmarish combination of a “Save the Earth” anthem, Zootopia song, and Lil Dicky comedy rap song all crammed into a generic-as-possible CGI story without any semblance of a coherent storyline or message.

This song had more focus than “Earth” 

Pointless cameos

Lil Dicky called in every favor he had to stack the impressive guest list but there’s no value in any of these cameos, they add nothing to the song other than for kids to go “OMG WAS THAT HALSEY!?” It’s impossible to discern who is who because of how short their appearances are. At one point Kevin Hart says, “And I’m Kanye West”. That’s it. No joke, just the fact that Kevin Hart says “I’m Kanye West” is supposed to be funny. Why?

These superstar animals sing awful one-liners that would be corny even for a fireworks popsicle stick. Here are some of those gems:

• I’m a fat fuckin’ pig
• I’m a weed plant, I’ll get you fucked up
• We’re just some rhinos horny as fuck
• Hippity hop, I’m a Kangaroo
• I’m an elephant, I got junk in my trunk
• What the fuck? I’m a clam
• I’m a squirrel looking for my next nut
• I’m HPV, don’t let me in

Most of them aren’t even jokes, just non-sequiturs or literal statements. “Fuck”, “anus”, and “butthole” are supposed to be the big laughs.

Haha he said ‘anus’ and then there it is. Comedy genius.

The Story

Or lack thereof. We start out with Lil Dicky watching some kids knock over a trash can and making fun of him. The back and forth between them is painfully generic and joyless. The kids follow Dicky to demonstrate how cool and famous he is now. One of them stays behind to pick up the trash, finding a book with an “Earth” picture on it. He opens it, we transition to a  generic CGI world, and none of the characters are ever seen or heard from again. The set up is completely forgotten once the music starts.

Just do your stupid CGI shit and move on, we don’t need to see Lil Dicky in person, the fact that he left this in there shows he’s more concerned with showing how much he cares vs. actually caring.

The “Song”

Let’s talk about the ripped-off Zootopia theme song that backs the track. It’s so generic it could be from a Dasani water commercial.

Dicky invited all of these pop superstars with angelic voices and then he sings the chorus?! His voice is soaked in auto-tune and flat as can be. Why not Bieber do it? This is Dicky’s worst performance by far and one of the worst performances I’ve ever heard.

He doesn’t even rap on the track until 4:27 in, and when he does his message is half pandering “let’s all come together” cheesy horseshit and half generic dick jokes. He tries to rhyme “Pedro” with “simulation” and talks about how pants “cover up our human dick, eat a lot of tuna fish.” What are you talking about?

He follows that up with a “Guys, isn’t cumming awesome? Females! You like sex too, right? Even more than men!”  Never in my life have I heard such blatant pandering to the entire human race. The mix of dick humor, positivity, and Earth-consciousness create a muddled message. Are we supposed to be inspired or laughing? Serious or silly? I don’t think Lil Dicky knows the answer.

ALL the jokes are bad. The “Germany we forgive you” line, the “Hey Russia, we’re cool”, the “the internet is awesome” joke. Every one-liner is a recycled street joke, humor that a 5-year-old would find funny, or just statements played off as jokes.

Pandering garbage

Most of the Earth stuff he raps about it the equivalent of a comedian saying to a crowd “Am I right, gang? This guy knows what I’m talking about.” What is the message? “People are mean, the Earth is dying, let’s all come together”? How profound, the wisdom in here is on the same level of a 16-year-old that has smoked pot for the first time. “Why can’t we all just get along?” YUCK.

Lil Dicky’s whole conclusion is “pay attention to what Leonardo DiCaprio is doing” with no punchline. He doesn’t explain anything about how to help, doesn’t ask Leo to explain what he’s doing to help, nothing. It’s more meaningless shit so that Lil Dicky can look cool and show how he knows people. Just to hammer that point home, Leo says “this might be my favorite song, ever.” We get it Dicky, you have famous friends now, nobody cares.

This was a song made in the same vein as “God’s Plan“. An uplifting, empty message that gets people to come together around a common cause. But God’s Plan was a good song, and Drake stuck the landing by actually helping people. Not self-aggrandizing and showing off how many celebrities he knows. This is the most selfish, self-indulgent song about saving the Earth that anybody could possibly make.

Please make it stop

What is the point of all this? Did Lil Dicky just watch Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth”? This song is more soulless and has less to say than straight-to-DVD Disney movie “The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata”.

I would much rather watch this

The production values are sky high and none of it matters because there’s no fucking point. He’s trying to make the next “We are the world” but he’s more concerned with showing off how cool he is than actually making a coherent, inspiring statement.

If this was a stand-up set it would bomb horribly. Disney would reject this song for being too corny. It’s a multi-channel marketing campaign based on analytics masquerading as an anthem of the “woke” generation that panders to the lowest common denominator. It’s meaningless garbage for high school and college kids to post about on social media. It makes me want to pollute Earth more. It seems Lil Dicky has sold his soul and his schtick has finally worn thin, let’s all hope and pray he focuses on his new TV show and stops making music altogether.